the truth

when i was a little girl, i remember going to my cousin's wedding. She was fat.

i remember looking at her in her wedding dress and thinking, "there is hope. Fat girls do get married, and one day i will too"

how sad is that?

maybe fat girls can find love.

but depressed, hypocondrial, fucked up, some how narcisistic, fat lushes do not.

so i will forever be the lonely old chihuahua maid.
and i should just learn to live with that.

single

so.

its over.

last time i said that nathan decided we should see other people...

well.

SINCE THEN!

we changed, went back to just plain dating.

then shit happened, and we went back to an "open" relationship.

THEN more shit happened, and now its over.

well. he doesnt know it yet. but it is.

i cant do it.

i mean. no.

the more i think about it, the more i wonder WTF i was thinking in the first place.

i know some will disagree with me, but i fimrly believe that you should live with a person before you decide to get married.

because, if it turns out they are an apthetic slob, who doesn't give a shit about shit. well, you just might not be able to make it work.

twist!

im sick.

sick sick sick.

i dont know why, my mom got that gay stomache bug on her way back from Florida, and i thought it was gone, but now i feel like a poopsicle. ew!
blugh blugh blugh.

tummy rumblings, head cloggings, 99* tempies... just plain ew.

so, nathan decided that we should see other people.
so, he's still my boyfriend, but i'm allowed to date other guys and he can date other girls.

ok, so we mutually agreed to do this.

im glad.
because im the only real girlfriend he's had, and so i would prefer if he experienced dating a couple other girls at least, that is if we were to get married, i would like that.

BECAUSE! i would hate to get married and then years later, have him wonder what i would have been like, and have an affair. its easier to just get this out of the way now.

and believe me. we shall.

so i fully intend on taking advantage of this, so i can get any doubt out of my mind as well.... or, i suppose, if it were the case, if im not supposed to be with nathan, i'll know that too!

wish me luck!

Sickly

yea. the teacher took up that political science homework... jerk.

its my fault really, for not doing it ahead of time, and waiting till the night before it was due to try and make up for it. oh well, live and learn.


so. it's Tuesday... the Fat one. ((Mardi Gras))
i would love to go out and do something tonight. eat some crawfish or drink something yummy, or eat lots and lots of cake! the king kind! ... i might actually go make one of those!

only, i'm in Dallas, sickly! my tummy hurts. **aw, how sad**
i was packing up to head back to Denton last night, because i had been so silly to sleep past class on Monday and therefore stayed an extra day with my parents, when all of a sudden my stomache decided it was going to kill me.

Mom had come home early from work, and had been sleeping on the couch all day. i took care of her, making soup and toast and what not. then i suppose that whatever she had, came to me, because we're both ill now, living on crackers and plain baked potatoes.

i just got sleepy, just now. i think its because it is so warm here (at the Lumberyard) and the sound of typing and paper shuffling is somewhat soothing. don't ask me why.

i don't know what time to go back to Denton today. part of me wants to go back now, but then part of me wants to stay. i know that i should go back now, because the longer i stay, the more likely it is that i will be here over night and miss my class again! and i just cant do that, i hate missing that class anyway. The only problem with leaving now is that i am so tired, all i want to do is go take a nap. infact. i think i may do that. go take a nap, and that way i can leave around 6 or so...
yes, that is the plan. i will go home, take a nap, and then drive home later, but not too much later!

politcal what?

i am currently in the union waiting for my next class.
im slightly worried that the teacher is going to take up the homework... and i havent done it!
i tried. i really did! but i just couldnt do it!

i read the damn article in the work book, but it says to read the New York Times, Washington Post and Dallas Morning News... LIKE I HAVE THOSE!
i went online to look them up, but it was impossible to get the information i needed. just this second i realized that i probably could have gone to the library and found a copy of each, but goodness! that's too much!
Plus, i dont understand a thing about political science! i really dont. its all too complicated for me.
i enjoy the class, and even participate in discussions ((that's a big deal! it's a class of 500+ and i raise my hand and talk!! ))

i just usually get a little lost. the teacher is more of a talker than a lectureer? (sp?)
as in he just sort of rambles on and goes off on tangents, and since we only have 2 tests, i really don't know what information i will be needing and what i wont.

UGH!

nothing new today.

i was going to write because the BF was gone... but i think i just heard his LOUD ASS car pull up.

speaking of cars that are ridiculously too loud for no reason, there was this BIG truck outside, and it was sooo loud, it shook our mirrors. **mind you, we live on the 3rd floor**

and Fran had her window open. you could smell the exhaust inside our living room :(

gross.

well, nate's not home ((my dog just peed... i know this bc i can smell it... gross again))

he just called me from the gas station to tell me that they dont have any grape soda, which means no purple cows :(

its ok though. i really dont need a purple cow. ...i guess.

i would probably spend a long time writing things in here that actually matter, if i thought that it mattered at all.

really the only reason i blog, is so that i can pretend that i have a friend who listens.

you see, lately, ive been really down.

all my life, ive had a whole group of friends, not always the same ones, but never less than at least 5 good ones at any given time.

but at this point, i cant even name one.

i know nathan is my friend, but i dont tell him everything. i cant. he wouldnt understand, and even if he did, he would find someway to make fun of me, even if he didnt mean to.

i dont really care to talk to him like that.

and then there's fran. but more often than not, i just feel like she's mad at me for some reason or another.

i love her, and i know that if i have a problem with her, i can tell her and we work it out. but the truth is, the only real problem i think is my own insecurity.

and then there'smy emilys. i love them both. Bailey is and forever will be one of my besties, but its hard when she's hundreds of miles away.

and jenna, christyna, maetzin, susan... oh, i dont know.

all these people ARE my friends, but not like it used to be. but it cant be like that. we all live our seperate lives, in seperate places, and try to catch up when we can, but its not possible to be the way it was.

i guess i've just been really lonely. i just would like someone un biased to talk to.

so that's why i have YOU! my blog.

till i forget about you again.

the ultimatum

so, reading over my blog.

i realize that ive been upset for longer than i thought

the truth is. i got so discouraged waiting for nathan to propose, that i was angry all of the time.

im not going to pretend its all better, because its not. its a little better, but just that. a little.

after the holidays were over, and i was still without the one thing i wanted **the ring** i told him that he needed to make up his mind what he wanted in life.

i know this was an ultimatum of sorts, but thats not really what i wanted. i really just wanted to let him know how i felt. but there was no way to do that with out it being an ultimatum.

pretty much what i said was: we've been together over 3 years, and i told you when we first started dating, that i would not wait more than 3 years. By that time, a person should know if they can spend forever with the other, or not. AND we live together. either you know we can make it last, or we cant. and im not saying make up your mind now, but you need to soon. we can still be friends if you want to, but if you arent going to marry me, then say so soon, because although im not breaking up with you now, i will. soon. if you dont proove to me that i shouldnt.

because honestly.

why should i waste my time?

im 24 years old. and i want to start a family in the next 5 years. so if you arent planning on taking that journey with me, then hit the road. because i have a life to live.

SOOOO on top of all this.

for the past 3 + years, i have also been in love with someone else ***I KNOW!!***

did you see THE NOTEBOOK?

its similar to that, in the sense that i love them both.

i do love nathan, and if he were to propose, of course i would say yes, and mean it, and we would live, if not always 'happily', at least together forever.

but then. if for some reason, the 'other' were to come in to my life more securely, and ask me out... or, **silly me** propose!! ((yea right!))

then i would say yes! OMG! how shocking.

but i would. and i could see my life with him too.

ARGH!

i just dont want to make the big decisions alone.

someone do something!