Sickly

yea. the teacher took up that political science homework... jerk.

its my fault really, for not doing it ahead of time, and waiting till the night before it was due to try and make up for it. oh well, live and learn.


so. it's Tuesday... the Fat one. ((Mardi Gras))
i would love to go out and do something tonight. eat some crawfish or drink something yummy, or eat lots and lots of cake! the king kind! ... i might actually go make one of those!

only, i'm in Dallas, sickly! my tummy hurts. **aw, how sad**
i was packing up to head back to Denton last night, because i had been so silly to sleep past class on Monday and therefore stayed an extra day with my parents, when all of a sudden my stomache decided it was going to kill me.

Mom had come home early from work, and had been sleeping on the couch all day. i took care of her, making soup and toast and what not. then i suppose that whatever she had, came to me, because we're both ill now, living on crackers and plain baked potatoes.

i just got sleepy, just now. i think its because it is so warm here (at the Lumberyard) and the sound of typing and paper shuffling is somewhat soothing. don't ask me why.

i don't know what time to go back to Denton today. part of me wants to go back now, but then part of me wants to stay. i know that i should go back now, because the longer i stay, the more likely it is that i will be here over night and miss my class again! and i just cant do that, i hate missing that class anyway. The only problem with leaving now is that i am so tired, all i want to do is go take a nap. infact. i think i may do that. go take a nap, and that way i can leave around 6 or so...
yes, that is the plan. i will go home, take a nap, and then drive home later, but not too much later!

politcal what?

i am currently in the union waiting for my next class.
im slightly worried that the teacher is going to take up the homework... and i havent done it!
i tried. i really did! but i just couldnt do it!

i read the damn article in the work book, but it says to read the New York Times, Washington Post and Dallas Morning News... LIKE I HAVE THOSE!
i went online to look them up, but it was impossible to get the information i needed. just this second i realized that i probably could have gone to the library and found a copy of each, but goodness! that's too much!
Plus, i dont understand a thing about political science! i really dont. its all too complicated for me.
i enjoy the class, and even participate in discussions ((that's a big deal! it's a class of 500+ and i raise my hand and talk!! ))

i just usually get a little lost. the teacher is more of a talker than a lectureer? (sp?)
as in he just sort of rambles on and goes off on tangents, and since we only have 2 tests, i really don't know what information i will be needing and what i wont.

UGH!

nothing new today.

i was going to write because the BF was gone... but i think i just heard his LOUD ASS car pull up.

speaking of cars that are ridiculously too loud for no reason, there was this BIG truck outside, and it was sooo loud, it shook our mirrors. **mind you, we live on the 3rd floor**

and Fran had her window open. you could smell the exhaust inside our living room :(

gross.

well, nate's not home ((my dog just peed... i know this bc i can smell it... gross again))

he just called me from the gas station to tell me that they dont have any grape soda, which means no purple cows :(

its ok though. i really dont need a purple cow. ...i guess.

i would probably spend a long time writing things in here that actually matter, if i thought that it mattered at all.

really the only reason i blog, is so that i can pretend that i have a friend who listens.

you see, lately, ive been really down.

all my life, ive had a whole group of friends, not always the same ones, but never less than at least 5 good ones at any given time.

but at this point, i cant even name one.

i know nathan is my friend, but i dont tell him everything. i cant. he wouldnt understand, and even if he did, he would find someway to make fun of me, even if he didnt mean to.

i dont really care to talk to him like that.

and then there's fran. but more often than not, i just feel like she's mad at me for some reason or another.

i love her, and i know that if i have a problem with her, i can tell her and we work it out. but the truth is, the only real problem i think is my own insecurity.

and then there'smy emilys. i love them both. Bailey is and forever will be one of my besties, but its hard when she's hundreds of miles away.

and jenna, christyna, maetzin, susan... oh, i dont know.

all these people ARE my friends, but not like it used to be. but it cant be like that. we all live our seperate lives, in seperate places, and try to catch up when we can, but its not possible to be the way it was.

i guess i've just been really lonely. i just would like someone un biased to talk to.

so that's why i have YOU! my blog.

till i forget about you again.

the ultimatum

so, reading over my blog.

i realize that ive been upset for longer than i thought

the truth is. i got so discouraged waiting for nathan to propose, that i was angry all of the time.

im not going to pretend its all better, because its not. its a little better, but just that. a little.

after the holidays were over, and i was still without the one thing i wanted **the ring** i told him that he needed to make up his mind what he wanted in life.

i know this was an ultimatum of sorts, but thats not really what i wanted. i really just wanted to let him know how i felt. but there was no way to do that with out it being an ultimatum.

pretty much what i said was: we've been together over 3 years, and i told you when we first started dating, that i would not wait more than 3 years. By that time, a person should know if they can spend forever with the other, or not. AND we live together. either you know we can make it last, or we cant. and im not saying make up your mind now, but you need to soon. we can still be friends if you want to, but if you arent going to marry me, then say so soon, because although im not breaking up with you now, i will. soon. if you dont proove to me that i shouldnt.

because honestly.

why should i waste my time?

im 24 years old. and i want to start a family in the next 5 years. so if you arent planning on taking that journey with me, then hit the road. because i have a life to live.

SOOOO on top of all this.

for the past 3 + years, i have also been in love with someone else ***I KNOW!!***

did you see THE NOTEBOOK?

its similar to that, in the sense that i love them both.

i do love nathan, and if he were to propose, of course i would say yes, and mean it, and we would live, if not always 'happily', at least together forever.

but then. if for some reason, the 'other' were to come in to my life more securely, and ask me out... or, **silly me** propose!! ((yea right!))

then i would say yes! OMG! how shocking.

but i would. and i could see my life with him too.

ARGH!

i just dont want to make the big decisions alone.

someone do something!

oops, i did it again

well.
i did it again.

i forgot how to get to this blog, so i didn't do it for a long long time.

EVEN THOUGH i had a million things to say, and no one to say them to. :(

but alas, never fear, my internet imaginary friends!
i will keep you up-to-date from now on... or at least until i forget about you again. :/

and i will begin......................................................LATER ;)

too long time

it's been a bit since i wrote.

a lot has happened.
i moved.

i now live with Francine, my bestie, and my boyfriend Nathan.

our apartment is the CUTEST of CUTE!

Fran and i spent all weekend and even yesterday fixing it up... even though i 've lived here 3 months.
we went to IKEA twice, and spent a total of near $300 on decor.
it's worth it tho, the place looks great.

i don't know if i mentioned my cat Moxie.
if so, i still have and love him! if not, i got a cat. his name is moxie.
so now we three live here with the TWO cats, Mox and Magheria.

i had a great day, and i was very happy.. very.
until i got home and had a talk with Fran, who had had a talk with Nathan.
This talk was about weddings. and marriage.
and WHEN it's going to happen.
turns out it's not.

i feel like crying, infact, i might. Nate has been talking about getting married for over 2 years. but that's all. just talking.
and i feel so hurt. because i can't understand what he's waiting for. He is the one who initiated the let's talk about marriage conversation to begin with, 4 months after we met.

now, just shy of 3 years together, i'm still waiting on the REAL question.

i hope he asks on our 3 year anniversay, OR BEFORE>
and if he doesn't.
i'm breaking up with him.

Period.

it will suck.
a lot.
because i love him. and i WANT to marry him.
but i will not wait forever.
i will not be one of those girls who dates a guy for 8 years or more, and sits around every day waiting for a question he'll never ask.

Nate told Fran today that he had no intention of asking me anytime soon.
i wonder if he has intentions of packing? because he will be.

i'm just really sad.
i feel like he wont ask.

He says its because he's broke. but i dont buy that.
i know he owes me nearly $200, because i have to cover his part of some of the bills, but i told him not to worry about it. why should he? because it's LIKE we're married. we live together, and share pay together, and all other married things.

except i put a haitus on sex till, we say our vows.

looks like he wont be getting any for a looooooooooong time.

ooooo. my heart. i just don't even know what to think.

i feel like i WOULD be worried i was rushing him. pushing him into something he doesnt want.
except he started it.
and why even say something, many times, if you're not serious.

i know numerous guys have asked me to marry them before. but never for real. always joking. i hate that.
i hate when i guy jokingly asks you to marry him. you know he's not serious.
ass holes.

and nathan is the biggest of them all.

blue

sometimes i just get sad.

ive been really busy, and there are so many good stories i could have told, but didn't. i promise to tell them later. but right now, i can't, im too sad.

least of my sorrows is that my washer is broken.
HA! one of the 6 times i use it in 9 months and it doesnt work.... figures.

i just really need some clean under roos :(


worst of my sorrows, nathan.

we're supposed to move in together soon.
nate, fran, and i.

but i just don't think he wants to. he says he does, but i don't think he does.
he just seems unintrested.
and i asked him to please move in at the beggining of May. He was done with school May 10, and i asked him to please move in with me then. but he didnt. He said it was because his mom needed help teaching her Sunday school classes... but, i said that's one day a week, go home saturday nights. we can both go! but he wouldn't.
so i asked him to please move in with me this week.i really needed (and still do) the help packing up and cleaning my apt. especially since i've been REALLY sick.
but he won't.
and now, i told him we got the OK from the new apt to move in friday... but he's talking about him moving in a week or two from then.

and i just feel like he's going to keep putting it off until something else comes up and he doesn't move in at all.
or worse, he moves in, but not because he wants to, just because he WANTS me to shut up about it, and he holds it against me and its awful.

ooo.
and my back hurts :(